The Poor Man's Accountant

Absolution

One of my favorite dreams is to be walking along a deserted beach and finding a fortune thrown up on the sand in front of me. I have worked this dream out in all it's variations, and I bet you have too.

Whatever that fortune may be, it isn't yours and so the first thing you're going to do is have a good look around and see if anyone has seen you. If not, then you're going to take your booty and hide it some place until your sure the coast is clear. Greed has just made you a criminal.

You get excitement into this dream by having to dodge both the bad-guys who lost the loot and the pursuing cops who would be happy to put you in the frame. It's a run-and-hide dream with plenty of heart pounding near-misses until you finally get the stuff safely home. Then you're faced with the down-to-earth problem of converting your plunder into usable cash, and that's when the dream peters out.

In the past when I've paid Wal-Mart with a $50 bill, they've put that bill under the microscope to see if it's real. So it seems to me, if you have something worth more, or something not accepted everywhere, then it's going to be a hassle getting rid of it. If you have ill-gotten goods the worst thing you want is to draw attention to yourself every time you try to cash some of them in. You don't have to be a professional kidnapper to know that you don't want the ransom paid in $1,000 denominated bills! Handing over a $1,000 bill to pay for a few office expenses would be like standing at the cash register dressed in a clown's costume performing a magic trick. No one has ever seen a $1,000 bill — the store manager would have to be called in — it would be chaos! Even if you went to a bank, everybody in that bank would remember the guy with the $1,000 bill. Any schoolchild in the country will tell you: "Unmarked bills, small denominations!"

Let's say you have 300 $1,000 bills hidden under your mattress and you can't spend them. How could you sleep at night? Outside you have the bad-guys circling and the cops are closing in. What are you going to do? Who are you going to call?

Your accountant of course! Need to launder some money in a hurry? Your accountant would advise you to simply create a consulting business and call it all income. Just add a few forms to your tax return, and it can easily be backdated if you don't mind paying a little interest. This may cost you $140,000 in tax, but that's better than 10 years in the hoosegow. And once you become an honest citizen again, you can point your finger at the bad-guys and get the police to waste time and money defending your good name. Considering it's all free money in the first place, it'll be the best $140,000 you'll ever spend in your life. (And your accounting fees are tax-deductible!)

I used to have clients that ran an escort service and they couldn't believe that if you just filed the return and paid a little tax, even though what you were doing stunk to high heaven, the government would leave you alone. How were they to know that filing a tax return provides absolution second only to God.

In last year's newsletter I showed how income tax can save an entire country, and here I've shown how one man gets to walk away only slightly singed. And who can argue with the justice that income tax dishes out. Surely any man who gets saddled with $1,000 bills deserves only to be pitied — having already been hung out to dry.

 

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